Take heart citizens, legal residents, illegal residents, MS-13 thugs, men, women and all those 60 plus categories of gender confused Californians: those evil plastic straws have been made illegal in our progressive State of California. You elected a herd of groovy Senators, Assemblymen, women, some no doubt among the 60 plus gang, that have stood their ground to protect the earth and save a manatee or two on your behalf. Can’t forget our handsome governor. Newsom is the enthusiastic leader of the People’s Republic of California. You voted for progressive leadership. It is here in spades. What has transpired in California in recent decades is nothing short of a transformation of biblical proportions.
I do have one gripe. As you can see in the photo above, my state approved paper straws were in dire need of a dose of Viagra the other day at lunch. Both of my straws went limp after about seven minutes in my icy beverage. Poor little guys started drooping and then unraveling. The whole sucking process was rendered impossible just minutes after entry. I would have to suck the whole glass down in a few minutes or suffer the frustration of suck defective straw disorder. A malady we can dub SDSD, not to be confused with but not entirely different from ED. Maybe paper straw manufacturers should research a Hugh Hefner style solution. I read somewhere that he used some pharmaceutical magic potion to help him hold up while trying to satisfy 3 women (girls) 60 years his junior.
My frustration is but a small price to pay as I contemplate all the wonderful things accomplished by our elected mavens. I’ll list just a few of the wondrous works they have amassed as the Golden State has morphed into a progressive paradise.
Our state income taxes are the highest of the fifty. It’s the perfect formula to chase those filthy millionaires and billionaires to prosperous states.
If you are the kind of guy who gets back at his male enemies by intentionally infecting them with HIV, be secure with the thought it is now a misdemeanor in California. It is no longer a felony. No prison for you.
If you are between 5 and 17, you can dress and participated in school activities as the gender opposite your genetics without telling your parents. Phew.
If you are living in poverty, you have lots of company. Don’t feel left out. After adjusting for the cost of living, California has the nations highest poverty rate.
You can be proud of how many illegal immigrants are now your neighbors. Yes comrades with 13% of the nations population we can boast about being the home of 34% of the nations welfare recipients.
If you feel proud about paying more than people in almost every other state for utilities, homes, gasoline, rent and insurance, while going to public schools that are rated 47 out of fifty, you have 35 million peers.
If you hate fossil fuels, be assured you voted for people who will not allow us to create well paying jobs, lower our utility rates, generate billions in tax revenue by nurturing the natural resources that God blessed California with in the Monterey Basin.
Feel that warm sense of environmental credentials knowing that your tax dollars subsidize wealthy Californians buying 50-100 thousand dollar cars.
If you are happy with draconian water restrictions, relax. The geniuses in Sacramento will make it almost impossible to build more desalinization plants. Desalinization plant project teams will think twice before they dare to try and navigate the cost prohibitive hurdles erected by regulation addicted bureaucrats. It took twelve years to build the lone plant in Carlsbad.
If you oppose the nuclear industry whose plants in America have killed not one soul due to radiation, know that they are decommissioning nuclear plants in California. Legislators would never dare contemplate building new plants that create zero emissions, are the most cost effective and safest generators of electricity. Who wants to lower our electricity rates and avoid blackouts? Certainly not woke Californians. Can I get an amen?
Of course we also lead the nation in street poopers, ‘urinaters’, sidewalk tent encampments, outbreaks of typhus and the probability of the plague this summer. Once upon a time we left our hearts in San Francisco. Now we arm ourselves with maps to avoid stepping in human waste. But if we do encounter piles of human feces, we can be secure knowing that single-use plastic bags can only be found on the black market.
Welcome to contemporary San Francisco style progress. It’s woke, environmental and truly retrograde. Indeed it’s medieval. However I would bet Tony Bennett is not likely to sing about a couple, hand clasping hand, carefully navigating the street hazards as they stroll in the shadow of Golden Gate Bridge.
How many people leave their hearts in San Francisco today? Pose that question to your elected officials. They will give you no coherent answer because what’s left behind is not ones heart. You see they are secure knowing most Californians will keep electing them no matter how disgusting the results.
I still dream of straws that stand erect once wet. Not exactly a dream worthy of MLK. But I live in California, so I need to adjust my expectations.
Excellent! Factually undisputable!
Michael,
What an excellent depiction of “the progressive paradise” and all its ridiculous laws, regulations and costs. Paradise to the progressive elites with blinders on, but Hell to the rest of us who have to live with the consequences. You managed to expose this with wit and humor. Well done!! Berkley recently banned gas pipelines in newly constructed buildings. They want all electric, which is more expensive and problematic if there is an electrical blackout. I’d say “this is the last straw,” but it never ends.